Why doesn't my toddler play with other kids?

I've been doing a lot of reading on play, language and learning recently. This came about from a recent home visit where a parent expressed their concern that their toddler wasn't playing with other children when they went to play areas such as the library.

I hear this a lot from parents and I get it. I mean, we know as adults that social interaction and acceptace is important for happiness and success in life. Sometimes parents are concerned that their child is too timid and needs to come out of their shell. Sometimes they worry that it may be an indicator of a bigger concern such as autism.

More often than not, however, I find that their child has not yet mastered the stages of social play yet. What are the social stages of play, you ask? Just as we have to learn to walk before we can run, children need to master several social play skills before they are going to be ready to do cooperative play.

These social play stages include:

• Unoccupied Play: This is what we some from infants as they learn how to interact with toys, people and their environment
• Solitary Play: This is exactly what it sounds like -- a tot playing on his/her own
• Onlooker Play: In this stage, the child is watching others play but does not join
• Parallel Play: Here, children are playing next to each other, but not WITH each other
• Associative Play: This stage is about the interaction with another more than the activity or toys
• Cooperative Play: This is when there is a clear back and forth interaction between kids

I like to look at these stages as being similar to finding a partner:

• The first two stages, unoccupied play and solitary play, are like the self-improvement stage before we look for a relationship, right? We go and get our hair done, start working out and all the things so we are at our best when we do meet Mr/Mrs Right
• Onlooker play is akin to going out to our first parties or clubs. We watch what's going on paying attention to how others interact with each other, but we're not quite ready to dive in.
• Parallel play is like the stage where we see someone we are interested in and we do what we can to be in their vicinity, e.g., going to the same parties, hanging out at the same places, etc.
• Associative play is when we have finally declared our love to that person -- it doesnt matter where we are or what we are doing as long as we are together.
• And finally, cooperative play is like marriage. We enjoy each other's company, we are working towards common goals, but we also have conflict that requires emotional regulation, compromise and negotiation.

It's a pretty complex process if you look at it through this lens, isn't it? I mean, relationships are rough for us adults and we've had YEARS of practice to learn about the subtle nuances.

Any 'aha' moments? I hope so! If you want a bit more information on these stages, head over to my YouTube channel and check out this weeks video. Be sure to subsribe while you are there :)