Navigating Testing Behaviors: Effective Strategies for Parents

 If you're dealing with a little one who seems to be on a constant testing spree, pushing limits and boundaries, you're not alone. In today's post, I'm sharing simple yet powerful strategies to help you put an end to testing behaviors. Let's dive right in.

First, it's essential to recognize that the testing behaviors exhibited by young children are not malicious attempts to push your buttons. Rather, they're like little scientists, trying to understand where the limits are. As parents, one to the best tools we have in our parenting toolbox is to understand development.  When we do, it allows us to 1) see the resulting behaviors for what they are -- learning; and 2) it allows us to use developmentally appropriate strategies leading to better outcomes.  If you want to have a greater understanding of what is driving many of those challenging behaviors in young kids, check out the YouTube video I did on this a while back.  

Five-Step Strategy to Stop Testing Behaviors:

So, when addressing testing behaviors in young kids, the key is to establish clear boundaries and consistently enforce them.  Here's a straightforward five-step strategy you can implement when faced with testing behaviors. Using the example of a child climbing onto the dinner table, let's break it down:

1. Give the Limit:  Provide a clear and enforceable statement like "We sit at tables."  I always encourage parents to avoid the power words of 'no' 'don't' 'stop' or 'can't'. Those are fighting words to a young child.  Instead, try telling them what you WANT them to do instead of what you don't.  Keep it simple for better understanding.

2. Move Towards Your Child:  As you give the limit, physically move towards your child.  Not in aggressive way!  Rather, in a calm and assertive manner. This action reinforces the seriousness of the limit.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, 93% of communication is our body language and tone of voice.  Young children are paying more attention to our actions than our words.  Often times, they will move away from the undesired activity as we move towards them.  They know your limit is nonnegotiable.

3. Use Your Body to Enforce the Limit:  Block and physically guide your child away from the prohibited behavior.  Avoid unnecessary talking during this phase.  We want our body and the redirection to send the message that we are done with this activity or action.  Talking muddies the waters for young children who see the continued conversation as a potential opening to continue doing what they were doing.  

4. Remain Quiet:   This one is important!  After giving the initial limit, refrain from engaging in further conversation.  Silence helps the child focus on their choice and its consequence.

5. Give Praise for Compliance:  Once the child complies or moves on, offer lots of praise.   Reinforce positive behavior by acknowledging what a good listener your child is.  We want them to learn at a young age that listening is a highly valued thing by grownups. 

The strategy's effectiveness lies in its simplicity and quick execution. Excessive talking can divert the child's attention from the choice they're making to your reaction. By minimizing conversation and emphasizing action, you facilitate quicker learning of the cause-and-effect relationship.  

Here are some additional tips to enhance the effectiveness of this strategy:

1. Be Calm and Assertive:   As I mentioned a moment ago, you want to project confidence and certainty to avoid triggering anxiety in your child.  Your calm assertive energy and confidence helps establish your authority with your child in a loving and respectful manner.

2. Be Quick About It:  Move swiftly when giving a limit to prevent prolonging the testing behavior.  Your child should associate your movement with the need to stop.

3. Be Consistent:  Consistency is crucial for eliminating testing behaviors.  Avoid mixed responses to ensure clarity for your child.

4. Pick One Thing to Focus On:  Start by addressing one specific behavior that your child frequently tests.  Gradually expand to other behaviors as you gain confidence.

Dealing with testing behaviors requires patience, consistency, and effective strategies. By incorporating these simple yet powerful techniques into your parenting toolkit, you can create clear boundaries and facilitate positive behavior in your little one!

The early years are by far the most important years setting the tone for our children's mental health as adults.  If you are struggling with your child's challenging behaviors and/or your own emotional regulation, check out my Big Picture Parenting program.  With weekly group coaching calls and a robust course covering everything from how to manage hitting and backtalk to how to address your triggers to be the parent you want to be, the Big Picture Parenting program is your one stop shop for successfully navigating the toddler and preschooler years.  You can learn more here.